Dear Toodee My Baba,
You are one and half year and fifteen days today and during all these days I tried millions of times, in my head, to say what I feel after you have come to my life. But each day is so over whelming with plethora of emotions and each day brings me to a new challenge that I need to prepare myself for the unforeseen …in all this I have not really been able to tell you-in reality- all that I have been telling you, in my head. While this is my first letter to you, let me tell you, our conversation is incomplete. We shall keep it going.
I have not been able to tell you about:
Those thousands of moments, each day, that fill my heart with love, so much so, that it seems my heart will burst
And those moments when I am enraged with something that was not meant to happen that way (in my head)
Those moments when I am not sure if I am doing it right and such moments are the most difficult ones, when I am not sure of myself or when I doubt myself, or when I get angry on myself, those moments when I yell at you and the very next moment and a long time to follow, I keep yelling at myself, silently, for not controlling myself.
Baba, motherhood doesn’t come with instructions, and no matter how much you have seen or read you could never know until you are into it. Somebody once said that having a child means having your heart out of your body. And you know baba, how it feels knowing what smallest of air blow can do to that heart; the heart, that is beating outside of the body… that’s how it feels as a mother
Those moments when I am worried if you are eating enough
If you are resting enough, and yes sleeping is an issue. You being, a bundle full of energy, want to keep going, trying your every bit to explore, to live and in that you don’t want to sleep. You try your best to keep your eyes open, even when you slip to sleep, you wake yourself up.
I worry, If I am doing it right
At times, I beat myself for not taking care of giving you enough solids
Those moments when I run after you with the spoon in my hand
And the other times with your trousers or your diaper in my hands
Most of the times I enjoy your little mischief and sometimes yell at your mischiefs out of tiredness and then I yell more on me for yelling at you
And the moments when I leave you with Nano and you say bye bye to me, how my heart melts when I look into your eyes. Your large eyes full of unspoken words tear me apart, water gathers in my eyes, sometimes it finds its way out and sometimes it doesn’t…
There is a perpetual court in me who reads me out verdicts, on my doings, and most of the time I don’t hear good verdicts!
I try more, I try hard and I fail
I don’t achieve perfection, baba…
But I, being the imperfect mother, an imperfect being wants to tell you that I love you, I love you baba. I love when you smile and laugh with your eyes, I love it when you come running to me the time I get home, saying, “mama aieen”. While it irritates me when you want to break into the door almost each time I go to the washroom I love your anxiousness. I love those moments when it seems you don’t want anything else in the world but your mama. I love our small little talks and recently, I love it when I ask you to say your name and you say this abstract word “toodeee”. I love each bit and each piece we have, baba.
I love you.